Why Do Porn Addicts Hate Orgasms?
Where Lunatic Dopamine Meets a Sleeping Amygdala — The Odd Chemistry of a Brain Begging for More
My claim in TLDR/meme/math version:
Orgasm ⇒ Game_Over
(Why terminate the edging when ∂Fun/∂Time > 0)
¬Orgasm ⇒ ¬Post_Nut_Clarity
(No nut means no responsibility)
Post_Nut_Clarity ⇒ (Guilt ∧ Shame ∧ Existential_ToDo_List)
(If you never climax, you never have to confront anything, ∴ Porn Addicts hate Orgasms.)
If you feel satisfied with this — stop here and enjoy the below ass pic.
If you want to know more — keep reading.
Fair warning, though — it’ll get a bit nasty and very personal. As much as I loved the “I’m just a narrator here” line from someone I consider a Substack friend, I’m not even gonna pretend this essay isn’t about me.
Back when I was 21, my brain was already heavily shaped by pornography. I can’t even describe how toxic my view of relationships and femininity had become. Add a broken heart to that, and there you go — hateful, horny-rabbit Chris.
When my twenties kicked in, the innocent phase of teenage romance was over. Holding hands, sending love letters, actually listening to girls who had traumas and secrets to share? Nahhhhh. Suddenly everything became about “getting into the business” — “Thanks for oversharing, sugar. Why you still not naked though?”
Guess I was a bit of a fuckboi before the term evolved from its 2002 rap-song phase and got popularized (I think that happened around 2017, and I’m talking about 2010–2011).
It might sound like I’m flexing, but what I’m really trying to say is this: I’m deeply ashamed of that period of my life. And I see many young men repeating my mistakes. Talking to them — believe it or not — is my main motivation. I believe this is what personal essayists exist for — using their own vulnerability to illuminate problems many are too ashamed to talk about.
Before we continue — my story has a happy ending (or perhaps a continuation?), because at some point one of those wonderful coincidences happened. I met my wife, and I went all in with her (which, honestly, wasn’t the obvious call at the time).
At the moment of writing this essay, we’ve been married for 9 years (13 years together) and have three beautiful daughters. Guess I somehow managed to win this one, didn’t I? I just really hope I won’t fuck it up in the future (please pray to your dark gods for me).
Back to the main plot, okey donkey?
I don’t think I need to mention how the image of sex and intimacy created by pornography is distorted beyond any reason (or should I? Then here goes: it’s FUBAR-distorted).
Perhaps it wouldn’t be that much of a problem if we all had healthy relationships and could distinguish reality from fantasy.
Do we, though?
Sadly, for many young men and women, porn is not only the first but also the only source of information. The topic is very personal to me, especially considering that many teenagers in Poland suffer (and will suffer) because of the lack of sexual education. Sadly, pretty much nothing has changed since I went through my own puberty episode over 20 years ago.
Culturally, we’re still told that watching porn is normal — even healthy — and that anyone questioning it is either a prude or a fanatic with no scientific background behind their claims.
I get why people think that. I’ve been there. I’ve seen nuns scaring kids who didn’t even know what was happening with their bodies. I’ve heard bullshit like “Touch your peepee and your dick’s gonna dry and fall off,” or even worse, “You’ll drown in an ocean of sperm after death.”
(Yes, I really heard that during catechesis from a nun when I was fourteen. Poetic, right?)
As you can see, it was very easy for me to reject any anti-porn narrative. Yet the truth — as it usually does — lay somewhere in the middle. Somewhere between nuns threatening children with eternal damnation and influencers preaching about how “liberating” porn is.
What I learned years later was that there actually is science (neuroscience, to be exact) behind porn use and addiction.
(Don’t take my word for it — ask google/gpt.)
The most important thing to understand about pornography addiction is that it’s a very powerful emotional coping mechanism.
Our brains are designed around procreation. I know some of you might disagree, but we really shouldn’t argue with the simple obviousness of biology. From that perspective, procreation is the fundamental point of life.
There are two main mechanisms of porn addiction that are crucial to understand.
You’ve probably heard about the dopamine surge, so I won’t focus on that here. Long story short: dopamine makes us feel bliss, but when it’s released constantly over long periods, it affects brain structure and function, including decision-making and reward pathways. Over time, frequent and intense exposure can create a need for more frequent or extreme stimuli to achieve the same effect (that’s how you go from softcore erotic photography to gangbangs and bukkake parties).
The mechanism that matters more to me is amygdala suppression.
What is the amygdala, you ask? It’s a part of the brain responsible for processing negative emotions like fear, guilt, depression, stress, and anxiety. Think of the amygdala as the survival center. It’s like: “If you don’t feel existential fear, why would you even look for oncoming traffic before crossing the street?”.
Sexual stimulation suppresses amygdala activity, dramatically reducing all the mentioned problematic feelings.
Now, the problem is: it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical stimulation (with or without a partner) or just the visuals — especially for males, who are generally more visually oriented sexually, while females tend to respond more to semantic and emotional cues.
Turning off the amygdala is very similar to the high one gets from alcohol or drugs — both suppress negative emotions. And not feeling all those terrible things is amazing, isn’t it? Especially when you’re struggling with trauma (present or unhealed), or when you feel depressed, lost, helpless, alone…
What’s very interesting about porn addicts is that they either delay orgasm to the extreme (mentioned “edging”) or don’t stimulate their genitals at all. That’s what turns a ten-minute act into a full twelve-hour marathon.
If watching porn works for you, that’s great. I hope you don’t label me as some bigot telling you what’s right. I hope you discover your own truth — and I wouldn’t be surprised if it differs from mine. The only thing I can offer is my confession, surrounded by reasons why you might want to reconsider your stance.
But all this would be too much for a single essay, wouldn’t it?
As usual — thanks for reading, friend.
Stay tuned and, hopefully — see you soon!
Thoroughly enjoyed this article, nicely done
Only you could start with equations about orgasms and end up giving a genuinely moving essay on addiction, intimacy, and growing up. The self-awareness here? Wild. The vulnerability? Even wilder. Thanks for taking a messy, complicated topic and turning it into something real, thoughtful, and oddly hopeful 🤍 You definitely “won this one,” and it shows.